When I wrote that Tea Time post about being in the doghouse, and the raw, tender, deeply emotional moments…
You know what I told people when they asked, “How are you and the family doing?”
“We’re doing ok.”
That was the outer circle answer.
If they were one circle closer,
“We’re going through a rough patch, but we’ll be alright.”
One circle closer,
“Kids are good. Hannah and I are trying to sort through some things.”
One circle closer,
“Hannah and I are going through a rough patch, probably our roughest one yet. Maybe say a prayer if you think about it.”
Do you realize what’s going on here?
I was telling my outermost circle, “We’re doing ok.” “We’re going through a rough patch.” “Trying to sort through some things…”
…like who has which kids when we get a divorce, and how will we handle the house or should I get an apartment in town that we call my office, and how will we split the vehicles. We’re trying to sort through THAT!
Then, we’re trying to sort through decades of stacked up emotional pain
…and times other people hurt us,
…and times we hurt other people,
…and times we hurt each other.
We’re sorting through e-v-e-r-y-thing!
It was an absolute mess. I was an absolute mess. And I was wearing a mask.
Now, the other thing that must be mentioned here is boundaries and degrees of trust. Of course, we shouldn’t air all of our dirty laundry with every person who asks “How are you?” Of course, we shouldn’t overshare the most intimate parts of ourselves and our relationships with people we don’t trust. Of course, we shouldn’t share every THING with every ONE.
But we can have boundaries and still be honest. We can cry when our hearts are breaking. We can confide with 1 or 2 extremely close friends. We need an outlet.
In that post, I shared with you that I was living in my own prison cell in the basement. My wife and I were not in any semblance of a functional relationship. But my outward answer was, “We’re doing ok.”
So I ask you…
What’s going on behind the façade?
What’s going on just below the surface?
What’s going on a layer or two deeper?
When you’re talking to other people…
What sort of punch is packed in the simplest alternative to “We’re good” vs. “We’re ok.”
“It’s alright.”
“On the struggle bus.”
“Been better.”
“Just glad to be here.”
Do we actually hear people? Do we actually hear ourselves?
As humans, we need other humans.
At a soul level.
I revisited the Tea Time post from this angle, because nearly 400 people visited that post in the last couple days. That’s a lot of people. I’m guessing some are in the middle of it. I know some are.
Marriage is tough. But a healthy one is so worth it.
Maybe your first one didn’t work, but you’re trying to heal…
Or your first one didn’t work, but now you’re remarried and sorting through new muck on this second go-round…
Or if you’re 30+ years into one, but it feels like you’re just living in disillusionment now…
Or if you’ve never been married or don’t want to be, but you’re still trying to heal from a breakup or a past relational wound…
The point in all of it, is that you’re not alone. There is still time to do the internal work and heal. There is still time to have the raw discussions and see what happens.
You aren’t doomed. You aren’t stuck. You aren’t unworthy of love.
Let’s start with a little vulnerability, shall we?
“Yes! Yes! Give us the tea, Omer!”
I don’t think we’re ready for the full Boston Tea Party experience. 92,000 lbs is too much to handle!
But let me give you a small bag, or a dime bag? Let’s stick with a small bag… of tea 😉
Three years ago at this time, I was sleeping on the couch, in the basement, in the dog house of my own home.
If you were following my wife during this time, she was on the highlight reels of social media.
Competing for Mrs. Wyoming, winning, competing for Mrs. America in Vegas. It was bonkers! She was (and still is) an absolute smoke show! Fancy dresses, fancy makeup, toned and tan, like a supermodel.
But what wasn’t shared, what we kept private for that time, was our marital struggles.
We had happy moments, for sure. There are pictures and videos from that time period where we had blissful experiences. But as late summer turned to fall, we could no longer ignore the monster under the bed. The undercurrent, the backdrop, the tone beneath the surface, was one of struggle and bitterness and years of stacked up pain.
I had taken the day off work just before my birthday. That way I’d have a three day weekend.
And that morning, before I left for some alone time in the Wyoming wilderness, my wife told me she had been thinking about separating. In fact, as I remember it, that was the first time we had let the D word enter the conversation.
Hell of a birthday, huh?! Felt like I was punched in the gut, kicked square between the legs, then the door hit me on the way out.
From my birthday, all the way through to Thanksgiving, I was living in the basement of my own home. Still working, still eating meals, still showering and getting ready for the days, but doing it from a place of isolation. No touches, no hugs, no kisses in our marriage. No shower peeks, no booty grabs, no innuendos to speak of. She did her thing. I did my thing.
We wanted to keep a semblance of order for our kids. We didn’t want them to know we were going through the wringer. We did a pretty good job keeping it all hush-hush. But we had so much to work through. I had so much to work through.
Hours upon hours upon hours of emotional conversations, journaling, counseling, and prayer. Tears upon tears upon tears, coming from a guy who had only cried about 3x total in our first 12 years of marriage.
But everything was about to fall apart. Everything was about to come crashing down. And who knows how awful that would have been?!
Have you ever been in the dog house? Ever sent your spouse to the dog house? At the time, it feels more like a prison. At least the animals still get love and attention. But not you, not either of you.
Have you ever had to discuss how you’re going to handle the holidays, so you appear put together, but you know you’re a wreck? Fake a smile, fake a sickness, fake another obligation?
Have you ever had to talk to a friend for two hours and word vomit about how you felt blindsided, self-assured in your rightness, just to have them tell you in the kindest and politest way to pull your head out of your ass? You’re part of the problem and it takes two to tango? I appreciate these loyal friends. Eternally grateful for them. Faithful are the wounds of a friend.
Have you ever had to think through what it would look like to move to another place, likely an apartment, while your spouse took care of the kids at home? Because your spouse was the emotionally present one and you were emotionally absent?
Have you ever had to sort through heartache and relational wounds from 20+ years ago that had nothing to do with your spouse, just so you can finally move forward in your marriage?
These raw and tender and deeply emotional moments are happening in our lives or the lives of people all around us…
Maybe even happening with you, right now, right this moment.
In the middle of people’s highlight reels, there may be a whole world we don’t know about just below the surface.
Guess who’s back? Back again. Shady’s back! Tell a friend.
There’s something here.
I’m hungry.
“Write hungry,” the Spirit said to the Omer.
The Spirit moves where He wants, when He wants, how He wants.
You can’t manufacture Him, you can’t channel Him, you can’t contain Him.
No such thing as turn off or turn on.
He’s always on. You just roll with Him.
I met with a pastor who recognized my name, knew it was Old Testament, knew it was deep in the recesses somewhere, but couldn’t quite place it.
It’s a measurement.
It’s a day’s worth.
It’s “your daily bread.”
“The Daily Omer.”
Our Daily Bread has been running for decades. My grandma used to read it, my mom used to read it, and I even tried a couple. That daily devotional has been published for thousands upon thousands of issues.
But The Daily Omer is a new move, a new wave, a new beginning.
Daily is a lot. Yeast starts small. But it grows gradually.
Not writing, not sharing, not publishing is no longer an option. I’ve been shut up for too long. I’m about to burst.
Part of me loves Stoicism. Part of me hates Stoicism.
In this post, I’ll share my love / hate relationship with Stoicism and how it can both help and hurt you as a young man transitioning through different phases of life.
When life is flying at you like a 100-mph fastball, ready to hit you square in the ribs, you need something that helps you get out of the way.
Or, if you can’t get out of the way, at least you know you’re going to take the pitch hard on the ribs, you’ll be bruised for weeks, but you’ll barely grimace as you jog to first base and give a hard-line stare back at the pitcher.
You need David Goggin’s mentality that “you can’t hurt me.” The Marcus Aurelius quotes. The RedFrost Motivation on YouTube.
The trivial things of life won’t affect me.
Respond, don’t react.
I won’t be worried, anxious, scared at whatever comes my way. I’ll handle conflict and obstacles with an even-keel demeanor. Challenges will roll off my back like water off a duck’s back.
I love it!
I lived into that mentality during my teenage years and early adult years.
It helped me get through a number of tough transitions, tough situations, and tough relationships. (More on those another time.)
Stoicism allowed me to get married at 22 to a 19 year old, both of us being jobless for our first two months of marriage, dealing with a miscarriage, moving across the country, handling life with 3 kids under 4 years old, a failed foster parenting attempt, and living below poverty line for a handful of years.
Stoicism helped me muscle through 4 years of doing jobs I hated just to put food on the table and try to improve our lot in life.
As I got older though, maybe around 30, I started to realize that some of the Stoic philosophy wasn’t serving me.
It was great in theory and it had helped me through a lot, but it was starting to cause trouble in practice. In fact, Stoicism was transitioning into more of a liability than an asset.
Here’s what I mean by that:
Stoicism as a Liability, aka The Bad Parts
In real life, my wife was trying to navigate healing from trauma and abuse of various forms. She was trying to figure out how to draw the right boundaries with a toxic family. She was trying to get herself healthy and raise healthy kids – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.
She wanted a man who could feel, who could empathize, who could show that he actually cared about what she was experiencing. I had suppressed my own feelings for so long, I could hardly feel anything myself, let alone feel for someone else.
My wife might ask how I feel about something and I’d just shrug or dismiss the question.
“Omer, there’s more than a ‘meh’ dismissive feeling about everything in life. You need to learn how to feel.”
Hannah Redden
Honestly, I needed one of those emotion charts they use for kids in counseling, where you point to the emotion you’re feeling based on the face the little icon is making. There are 30 options to choose from.
I actually remember referencing it a few times in discussions. “Well, I guess a little of this (frustration), with this (sadness), with a tinge of this (anger).”
We even had a joke amongst my work colleagues that I only had two emotions: bad and even. They made a shirt for me that had the straight-faced, expressionless emoji. That was me, to a tee / T. No pun intended, but definitely appreciated.
So, my wife wanted someone who could feel, empathize, and care. I couldn’t do any of it.
Pros and Cons List
Let’s take the stories above and make a quick, clear list of this, so you can easily apply it for yourself. Here are the pros and cons:
Disclaimer: these pros and cons come from personal experience. Any fault in applying the full Stoic philosophy correctly is my own.
Questions a Stoic Must Ask… Eventually
As my kids got into preschool and early grade school, I learned they were experiencing and displaying a whole slew of emotions that I had no idea how to handle. My wife was helping them emotionally, but I wasn’t. I certainly couldn’t help them talk through it, think through it, learn to manage it, because frankly, I hadn’t talked through, thought through, or learned to manage my own emotions.
This forced me to look even harder in the mirror. I had to decide, for the sake of my wife and my kids, for the sake of growing a healthy marriage and raising healthy kids, if I was going to learn how to handle my own emotions.
Was I going to acknowledge that I actually had emotions, more than one or two?
Was I going to delve into the real issues that were bothering me deep down?
Was I going to acknowledge and accept past hurts, as well as past accomplishments? So I could feel both the hurt and the joy in those experiences?
Was I going to face my childhood and the moments that shaped me the most? Good, bad, and ugly?
Was I going to acknowledge that I, too, had a heart and not just a head? That I was an emotional being as well as an intellectual being? I was not just the Tin Man, R2D2, or the Grinch?
Was I going to start working through this on my own, or with help, or both?
Was I going to shed Stoicism entirely or keep the good parts of it?
A More Nuanced View of Stoicism
Ultimately, I couldn’t just throw out Stoicism. It had served me so well through so many tough situations in life. And I knew there would certainly be more tough things to come.
But I also knew I had to face the hurt, scared, and displaced little boy who was hidden behind this tough exterior. I knew I had to shed this coat of armor because I had a chink in it, where my heart had been pierced.
I was wounded, and I couldn’t fight any more battles until I got healed up and healthy.
So, I started working through all the hurt, the pain, the moments of good, bad, and ugly. I admitted I had a heart and a head. I acknowledged that I had a lot more than one or two emotions and I started naming them.
I did this on my own, I did this with my wife, I did this with my children, and I did this with counseling.
For the deep, inner work: I went to counseling and received some tips. I wrote and journaled, more than usual. I used prompts to get clear on how I felt. I listened to emotional and mental health books. I also listened to podcasts on similar topics. I took a few solo trips, some close to home, one across the ocean to Ireland.
Basically, I went hard in the paint to learn what emotions were, how to acknowledge them, and how to manage them. And I did the solo trips because I needed full separation and space to get clear on who I was, where I was doing well, where I was falling short, and who I needed to become. (See the One Page Life Plan review I wrote for an in-depth look at those self-improvement goals.)
While I know I’ve made a ton of progress from where I was 5 years ago, and leaps and bounds in the last 2 years, I know there is still so much further to go.
Next Steps
I’ll be continuing to work on this more balanced view of Stoicism, growing into an emotionally healthy man, husband, and father.
I hope you’ll be doing the same.
If you need any help along the way, please reach out on social. And this resource may help you out as well.
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As a dad of four kids, I’m qualified to write this one. Although let me be clear, I am not qualified to give birth or deliver a child.
I’m simply telling you from a husband’s perspective, with input from my wife, as to what the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy looks like for the two of you.
Here’s how the rollercoaster of pregnancy looks 80% of the time:
Let’s begin with a couple disclaimers, just so you know you’re in good hands:
First, we’re not having a full birds and bees discussion here. This isn’t 7th grade health class, and I’m not drawing diagrams on the board for you all to figure this out!
Second, I’m not so naive to say all pregnancies start the same, especially with medical advances like IVF, IUI, ICSI, etc. There are many alternative ways of getting pregnant that don’t involve the traditional method.
Third, I’m also not so naive to say all pregnancies begin on an emotional high. If you got pregnant the traditional way, but the sex wasn’t consensual for any reason whatsoever, I’m so sorry for you. That’s an incredibly difficult thing to live through, and I encourage you to seek professional help to work through all the emotions of that experience and now being pregnant.
Last thing, I’m well aware that not all pregnancies make it to a full-term, healthy birth. My wife and I have had 2 miscarriages, my parents had 2 miscarriages, many of our friends have had miscarriages, and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be to carry well into the 20 or 30 week ranges and deliver stillborn or so early that the baby couldn’t make it. A dear friend runs a podcast for women who have had miscarriages and if you need some love from other mothers, check it out. It’s called Yet We Thrive.
Now, for those of you who had the traditional conception experience, with a person you loved, here’s the deal:
Getting pregnant was probably an exciting adventure! Perhaps you were trying hard, practicing daily to get pregnant. Maybe you weren’t trying at all. Maybe it was a total surprise!
But for a night, or for a few days, love was in the air, and you were eager to do some math with that person. 1+1 became 3, or 4, or more.
Stage 2: Excitement (or Dread) After the Test
The challenge in Stage 1 is that you often don’t know whether you were effective or not. Sure you had sex, you had fun, you enjoyed intimacy with your partner, but did the sperm successfully make the journey? Was the egg receptive? Did anything magical happen?
You usually don’t know for a few weeks, and during that time, you’re living in a big question mark.
Some tell tale signs, before getting a positive pregnancy test are:
Sudden food aversions
Feeling of gaining weight, without reasons for it
Sensitivity to smells
Feeling sick, without having the flu
Husbands, if you can positively identify these by listening to your wife, you might want to buy her a test.
Usually, the pregnancy test is a reliable indicator of whether you’re pregnant or not. But you’ll eventually want to go to the doctor to confirm and get on a prenatal plan of care.
As for the emotional rollercoaster at this stage of pregnancy, for many couples, it is a huge wave of all the emotions!
If it’s your first, you may be high-fiving and hugging and crying tears of joy. It may be one of the most exciting days your lives. Or, some guys, you may be peeing down your leg, scared to death at how you’re now going to be a dad and have to provide, while the lady is elated and beaming. (This is the guy’s first time peeing down his leg. Ladies, your time will come later.)
If it’s your second or third, you may have felt totally ready for this and excited to start another round. Or, you may be wearing a face of shock and fear, like what just happened?! How are we going to manage another one?! Discovering you’re about to have a 2nd or 3rd child can often lead to the most mixed emotions, depending on how close the siblings are, how financially ready you are, how well the first one went or didn’t, and how many kids you were expecting to have in total.
If it’s beyond your third, you may just be laughing and shaking your head with your spouse at each positive pregnancy test. By this point, you feel like old hats at this. You might consider yourself on the Honor Roll or Dean’s List considering how many tests you’ve passed at this point.
Regardless of the response, or the number of children this is, you usually hit a point of excitement! For my wife and I, on number four, we walked around in a daze of disbelief for a few days, then hit a stage of excitement. Whether you’re excited the day of the positive test or a few days later, you and your partner know that a new life is already forming inside.
Stage 3: The First Trimester Morning Sickness
I’m amazed at what women go through in the first trimester. Women are built extra tough! I’ve told my wife many times that if I was pregnant, I’d be on bed rest from the first week to the day of delivery. Thank God I can’t get pregnant!
Men, your job is to be compassionate, helpful, and take care of as much as you can during this stage of the pregnancy. Your lady is going to feel depleted, zapped, exhausted.
Of course, it depends on each woman, because every pregnancy is different and every woman has different health experiences, but suffice it to say, I’ve never met a woman who said first trimester of pregnancy was easy.
I asked my wife, “How would you describe first trimester?”
She smiled and she said, “Oh, it’s great! Just really great. It feels like all your energy is sucked out of you. The nausea in the morning is intense, some days you throw up, then you feel queasy most of the day, every day. Then the nausea returns in the evening. You feel like you have the stomach flu for weeks.”
Wuff! You heard it straight from a woman who has lived through it multiple times.
Stage 4: The Second Trimester Superwoman
Men, you’ll know when you hit second trimester because the lady suddenly has energy again. And she has a lot of energy!
Often times, men, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief because now the woman can contribute again. In fact, she may be running circles around you. She hits an amazing new stride. She might wake up at 5am, make everyone breakfast, clean the house, get herself ready for work, work all day, run errands in the evening, and still have energy for anything else she decides to do at night.
What is Nesting?
This is also usually where nesting happens. What is nesting? It’s the time when the woman starts prepping for the baby. She sets up the baby registry, wants a hundred house projects done, preps the baby’s room, and buys everything she didn’t put on the registry.
You, sir, are about to be inundated with baby stuff. You had no clue a little 20-inch long, 7-lb human could need this much stuff!
I asked my wife, “How would you describe second trimester?”
“You usually get a second wind and feel a little more normal. You’re hungry a lot. The frustrating thing, for most women, is your clothes stop fitting. I gained 30 lbs in the first 20 weeks.”
She’s selling herself short on how much energy she usually had in second trimester. The main exception to this rule is if the woman has any pregnancy conditions, like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc. That can really drag down her energy.
For most men and women though, second trimester is the sweet spot of pregnancy.
Stage 5: The Third Trimester Discomfort
Decide now that you’re going to step up your game as a husband and dad in third trimester. Run more errands, cover more kid activities, learn how to give good massages to your wife, and help out with more chores around the house.
Your wife will be in extreme discomfort, and you’re going to need to cover a lot of ground to help the family function at top-notch.
I asked my wife, “How would you describe third trimester?”
She said, “Don’t talk to me!”
No, that wasn’t her real answer, but that’s oftentimes how she feels. Let me go lay on my bed, wrapped around my pregnancy pillow, and not have any responsibilities.
What she actually said was, “Imagine having two cantaloupes strapped to your chest, one watermelon strapped on your belly, and that your legs, arms, hands, and feet have water injected into them. None of your clothes fit, you lose your breath quickly, and your brain feels foggy most of the time. That’s how third trimester feels.”
She’s in the home stretch, the final leg, the fourth quarter, the ninth inning, the third period, the 90th minute, depending on what sport you prefer.
Be kind, be helpful, and be present. When she’s finally ready for the baby to come out, she might be interested in sex again. But only for the purpose of getting the baby to come out! 😉
Stage 6: The Delivery Day Labor
Delivery day can be a whirlwind, a rush, and a borderline scare.
Or, it can be a low-key, semi-laid back, calm day.
A lot of this depends on how soon you get to the hospital, how great your doctors are, how many health issues your wife has, and how healthy the pregnancy has been up to this point.
My wife scared me with a couple of ours because we arrived at the hospital so late in the game that we basically had the baby within an hour or two of checking in.
But with our most recent one, she was laboring more slowly, we lived further away so we had to plan ahead a bit, and we were there for a whole twelve hours before the little guy made his arrival.
Epidurals can change the entire birthing experience too. (These are intense pain meds injected into the back of your wife.)
C-sections (Cesarean births) can also present an entirely different birthing experience. I was born as a C-section birth, but I can’t speak to it because my wife has never had one. It is more surgical, with cuts to the abdomen to bring baby out via the abdomen, instead of vaginally. I also know the woman’s recovery can be tougher and longer because her abs were just cut in half. Ouch! Either way, ouch!
Regardless of how it all goes down, your job as a dad is simply to cheer your wife on in the way she needs it, rub her back, shoulders, or feet if she needs it, and basically let the doctors do their thing.
Stage 7: Baby Arrives!
You’ll be absolutely amazed when you see your little one arrive!
You might be grinning from ear to ear. You might be laughing with joy. You might even be so overcome with emotions that you just cry.
I’ve done all of those.
Generally, a healthy birth is met with joy and excitement and feelings of pride.
If you do good as a supportive spouse, the docs and your wife will let you hold your little son or daughter after mom gets her fill. And man, what a feeling!
Soak it up, enjoy it! Hold that baby close and kiss him or her. Tell your wife how awesome she is!
Then, enjoy the hospitality of the hospital.
You might get a halfway decent meal. You might sleep a couple hours on a rock-hard cot. Then, if mama and baby are healthy after 24-ish hours, you’ll get to leave. Drive safe and slowly on the way home, for mama’s sake and for baby’s.
Stage 8: The First Couple Months
I hope you get some time off after the baby arrives because you’re going to need it. Mama needs it for obvious reasons, like just pushing a 7-pound human out of a small orifice. She’ll need at least six weeks of recovery. (Make a mental note.)
But you’ll need some rest too because this baby is going to put you through some sleepless nights. The good ones wake up every 1.5 to 2 hours to feed. The struggling or challenging ones will wake up even more often crying, fussing, and in a generally disgruntled mood.
Hopefully, you get a good and content one. If not, just remember there’s probably something your baby needs but isn’t getting. Or, there’s something they’re struggling with, like digestion. This can be helped with a few tweaks to momma’s diet, a little gas medicine (like mylicon), or some post-natal checkups with Doc.
Remember, the baby doesn’t just have it out for you every time they cry. Don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to adjust to life outside the womb.
Your baby’s job is three-fold in the first few months: eat, sleep, and poop.
Your job in the first few months is to buy diapers, change diapers, and get your breast-feeding momma constant refills of water. You also get to nap with baby, if you take naps.
If all this happens, and you’ve kept your sanity, then consider it all a success!
Congratulations! Now, keep them alive, teach them what you know, and learn a couple good dad jokes. You have at least 18 years to impart your wisdom, but only about 12 where they’ll actually listen to you.
You got this, dad!
A Gift for the New Dad
I wrote this book for dads (like you). It’s becoming a favorite back-of-the-toilet decoration for dads across the country. Just check out the reviews on Amazon!
(This post is dedicated to my buddy Chad Aleo, over at High Ticket Sales Advice. His first baby is on the way and he asked for me to share some dad wisdom with him during his wife’s pregnancy.)
Omer Redden 