Featured

Is Stoicism Good or Bad? A Quick Look at The Pros and Cons

Part of me loves Stoicism. Part of me hates Stoicism.

In this post, I’ll share my love / hate relationship with Stoicism and how it can both help and hurt you as a young man transitioning through different phases of life.

Let’s explore the pros and cons of Stoicism:

Stoicism as an Asset, aka The Good Parts

When life is flying at you like a 100-mph fastball, ready to hit you square in the ribs, you need something that helps you get out of the way.

Or, if you can’t get out of the way, at least you know you’re going to take the pitch hard on the ribs, you’ll be bruised for weeks, but you’ll barely grimace as you jog to first base and give a hard-line stare back at the pitcher.

You need David Goggin’s mentality that “you can’t hurt me.” The Marcus Aurelius quotes. The RedFrost Motivation on YouTube.

The trivial things of life won’t affect me.

Respond, don’t react.

I won’t be worried, anxious, scared at whatever comes my way. I’ll handle conflict and obstacles with an even-keel demeanor. Challenges will roll off my back like water off a duck’s back.

I love it!

I lived into that mentality during my teenage years and early adult years.

It helped me get through a number of tough transitions, tough situations, and tough relationships. (More on those another time.)

Stoicism allowed me to get married at 22 to a 19 year old, both of us being jobless for our first two months of marriage, dealing with a miscarriage, moving across the country, handling life with 3 kids under 4 years old, a failed foster parenting attempt, and living below poverty line for a handful of years.

Stoicism helped me muscle through 4 years of doing jobs I hated just to put food on the table and try to improve our lot in life.

As I got older though, maybe around 30, I started to realize that some of the Stoic philosophy wasn’t serving me.

It was great in theory and it had helped me through a lot, but it was starting to cause trouble in practice. In fact, Stoicism was transitioning into more of a liability than an asset.

Here’s what I mean by that:

Stoicism as a Liability, aka The Bad Parts

In real life, my wife was trying to navigate healing from trauma and abuse of various forms. She was trying to figure out how to draw the right boundaries with a toxic family. She was trying to get herself healthy and raise healthy kids – physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

She wanted a man who could feel, who could empathize, who could show that he actually cared about what she was experiencing. I had suppressed my own feelings for so long, I could hardly feel anything myself, let alone feel for someone else.

My wife might ask how I feel about something and I’d just shrug or dismiss the question.

“Omer, there’s more than a ‘meh’ dismissive feeling about everything in life. You need to learn how to feel.”

Hannah Redden

Honestly, I needed one of those emotion charts they use for kids in counseling, where you point to the emotion you’re feeling based on the face the little icon is making. There are 30 options to choose from.

I actually remember referencing it a few times in discussions. “Well, I guess a little of this (frustration), with this (sadness), with a tinge of this (anger).”

We even had a joke amongst my work colleagues that I only had two emotions: bad and even. They made a shirt for me that had the straight-faced, expressionless emoji. That was me, to a tee / T. No pun intended, but definitely appreciated.

So, my wife wanted someone who could feel, empathize, and care. I couldn’t do any of it.

Pros and Cons List

Let’s take the stories above and make a quick, clear list of this, so you can easily apply it for yourself. Here are the pros and cons:

Disclaimer: these pros and cons come from personal experience. Any fault in applying the full Stoic philosophy correctly is my own.

Questions a Stoic Must Ask… Eventually

As my kids got into preschool and early grade school, I learned they were experiencing and displaying a whole slew of emotions that I had no idea how to handle. My wife was helping them emotionally, but I wasn’t. I certainly couldn’t help them talk through it, think through it, learn to manage it, because frankly, I hadn’t talked through, thought through, or learned to manage my own emotions.

This forced me to look even harder in the mirror. I had to decide, for the sake of my wife and my kids, for the sake of growing a healthy marriage and raising healthy kids, if I was going to learn how to handle my own emotions.

Was I going to acknowledge that I actually had emotions, more than one or two?

Was I going to delve into the real issues that were bothering me deep down?

Was I going to acknowledge and accept past hurts, as well as past accomplishments? So I could feel both the hurt and the joy in those experiences?

Was I going to face my childhood and the moments that shaped me the most? Good, bad, and ugly?

Was I going to acknowledge that I, too, had a heart and not just a head? That I was an emotional being as well as an intellectual being? I was not just the Tin Man, R2D2, or the Grinch?

Was I going to start working through this on my own, or with help, or both?

Was I going to shed Stoicism entirely or keep the good parts of it?

A More Nuanced View of Stoicism

Ultimately, I couldn’t just throw out Stoicism. It had served me so well through so many tough situations in life. And I knew there would certainly be more tough things to come.

But I also knew I had to face the hurt, scared, and displaced little boy who was hidden behind this tough exterior. I knew I had to shed this coat of armor because I had a chink in it, where my heart had been pierced.

I was wounded, and I couldn’t fight any more battles until I got healed up and healthy.

So, I started working through all the hurt, the pain, the moments of good, bad, and ugly. I admitted I had a heart and a head. I acknowledged that I had a lot more than one or two emotions and I started naming them.

I did this on my own, I did this with my wife, I did this with my children, and I did this with counseling.

For the deep, inner work: I went to counseling and received some tips. I wrote and journaled, more than usual. I used prompts to get clear on how I felt. I listened to emotional and mental health books. I also listened to podcasts on similar topics. I took a few solo trips, some close to home, one across the ocean to Ireland.

Basically, I went hard in the paint to learn what emotions were, how to acknowledge them, and how to manage them. And I did the solo trips because I needed full separation and space to get clear on who I was, where I was doing well, where I was falling short, and who I needed to become. (See the One Page Life Plan review I wrote for an in-depth look at those self-improvement goals.)

While I know I’ve made a ton of progress from where I was 5 years ago, and leaps and bounds in the last 2 years, I know there is still so much further to go.

Next Steps

I’ll be continuing to work on this more balanced view of Stoicism, growing into an emotionally healthy man, husband, and father.

I hope you’ll be doing the same.

If you need any help along the way, please reach out on social. And this resource may help you out as well.

Create Your One Page Life Plan

Processing…
Success! You're on the list.

Indulge Me For A Moment

Indulge me for a moment.

I’ve been stewing on this idea for awhile, and I’m not exactly sure how it’ll pan out. Fiction writers talk about pantsers vs. plotters. Plotters have it all mapped out, outlined, and then just write according to the outline. Pantsers write by the seat of their pants. They don’t have an outline, don’t know where the story is going, but figure it out as they go. Normally, I’m a plotter. Tonight, I’m a pantser.

What is failure?

That’s the question worth asking. I’ve always hated failure. It feels:

  • like a dirty word,
  • like an undesirable event,
  • like a terrible experience.
  • Something I try to avoid at all costs.

I won an award for failing fast one time, and it felt like a slap in the face.

In school, never wanted red marks on my papers, never wanted grades below an A, so I worked my ass off to keep straight A’s.

In sports, never wanted to be a benchwarmer, never wanted to be a backup, so I worked my ass off and became one of the top athletes in my class and went on to play college football.

In the career, never wanted to be low on the todem pole, so I worked my ass off and became one of the top performers at each company I worked for.

In writing, never wanted to be a broke artist, so I worked my ass off and wrote multiple books, two of which have sold thousands of copies. On The John sells really well this time of year (Christmas gift for dads and/or new year wanting a new devotional).

But honestly…

I’m still a broke artist. My writing doesn’t pay the main bills.

My career still isn’t where I want it to be. I don’t make as much as I should, and I haven’t built all the things I want to build.

For sports, most of my competitive games are behind me. I might pick up cycling or golf, love to lift and walk, love to play catch, but mostly I pay for my kids sports and watch them compete.

For school, I’m done with the formal part, but this is probably the only area I don’t feel like a failure. I still love learning, still practice it daily. It could be reading, online courses, building new skills, listening to podcasts, whatever the case, I’m an avid learner.

Now, in my late 30s, I look back and see how many things I’ve failed at.

Honestly, failed at a ton of things.

By outward appearances, I have my life together and I have an awesome family. People have joked that they want to be like me when they grow up. On one hand, I appreciate it. I do hope my life is admirable and worth imitating. I want to be a good example to everyone.

But the truth is, it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I don’t feel like I have parts of my life together. I’ve failed hard at a lot of things. I’ve bit the dirt, ate shit, and barely lived to tell about it.

So I’ll start unpacking some of that in coming weeks and coming months.

It won’t come all at once. I have to figure out what’s worth sharing and what’s going to actually be beneficial. Perhaps I need to “plot” it out, not just “pantser” it.

But I need to open up about more of these failures.

I hate being vulnerable. I don’t like to let people in.

Yet every time I’m vulnerable, I hear how much it helps people.

So cheers to future vulnerability. Whoop-de-freaking-do. How exciting. So pumped. Not.

That’s a wrap for this post. Thanks for paying attention.

Future posts may include…we’ll get there when it’s time.

A Nod to Goats

I saw a post saying that it’s been 28 years since Kobe and MJ faced off for their first game.

MJ was a dominant force at that time. It was 1997. Remember the streak? 1991, 92, 93 NBA championships. Leaves for 1+ year to play baseball. Comes back and wins championships in 96, 97, 98. He’s older, stronger, more in the fadeaway era than the insane dunks era. But MJ is still very much in his prime.

He’s also playing with a dislocated index finger.

Kobe was a young gun, fresh in the league, minimal NBA experience. He’s actually coming off the bench, as a 19-year old, green, but determined. You see it in his eyes.

He’s trying to prove himself.

The game wasn’t a playoff, championship, or anything like that. A simple regular season game. Barely of consequence.

But the meeting of the two men was so much more…

I’d equate it to a heavyweight fight. A young Tyson vs. an old Holyfield.

In hockey, a young McDavid vs. an older Crosby.

Someone called it: Air vs. Heir.

Here’s how the game went down:

Kobe ended with 33 points in 29 mins played off the bench.

MJ ended with 36 points and the win.

The old goat beat the young goat.

Why does this matter to anyone?

Other than a few old washed up athletes, no one cares. But I care. As a fan of both, I saw something in that game. And now as a grown man, I see more in that game.

From the young goat’s perspective, this is the first time you go toe-to-toe against your childhood icon. It’s something you’ll never forget. Meeting them is one thing; going against them in competition is another thing entirely.

From the old goat’s perspective, the first time the old goat gets challenged by a younger goat, he rejoices. Someone is here to challenge me! And he remembers. You see it in Jordan’s eyes. He’ll rejoice and remember this guy.

Learn from your mentors.

But never be afraid to take them head-on.

When they leave the stage, it may be your time to step up.

More Talk = Less Truth

You ever put your foot in your mouth?

I’ve put my foot in my mouth more times than I can count, usually in conversations with my wife.

Anyone who knows me, knows I try to stay quiet most of the time. In fact, I’ve had many people tell me they wish I’d talk more. 

But when I open my mouth in normal conversation, I struggle to fully communicate what I want to say. I’m monotone. I speak slowly. I don’t get my emotional tone across well enough. Give me a stage, a microphone, and time to prep, then I can speak well. But in daily life interactions, I am a better written communicator.

So, I write. Daily.

Either way, whether writing or speaking, I measure my words. At least 90% of the time, I do.

And that 10% of the time where I don’t, I get myself in trouble.

The tongue is a powerful thing. It holds in it, the power of death or of life. It can build up or tear down.

The more talk, the less truth; the wise measure their words. – Proverbs 10:19

The standard phrase used by most is, “Think before you speak.” 

But I like the way it reads in this translation: “The wise measure their words.”

Picture the words you’re about to speak spread out on a sheet of plywood. Use your brain as the tape measure. Determine how many words you need, and which angle you need to use. Then run the words through your mind again and cut them properly. Measure twice, cut once.

Then, and only then, deliver them. Wisely.

Proverbs 10:4-5

4: Lazy hands make for poverty,
but diligent hands bring wealth.

5: He who gathers crops in summer is a prudent son, but he who sleeps during harvest is a disgraceful son.

When you live in an agrarian society, these Proverbs are literally true.

You don’t work; you don’t eat. You don’t work; you have nothing.

But when you live in a welfare state, when you have an industrial (or post-industrial) society, the lines are more blurry. You can not work, but still eat. You can not work, but still have clothes, a place to live, transportation, etc.

  • Some do it via welfare.
  • Some do it via unemployment.
  • Some do it via disability.
  • Some do it via prison.

There are situations where welfare, unemployment, or disability are legitimately helping those who can’t work. But there are some who are on it and don’t need it. Some who are wealthier living off the system than contributing to the system. It’s kind of crazy honestly.

But there are other people who have found ways to not work, and they are some of the wealthiest of all. The 4-hour workweek folks. The patent owners. The land developers and real estate investors.

Work once to close the deal on that property, then leverage that work for decades. Work for a short burst, reap the benefits for years to come. License something so you’re paid every time other people use it. Super smart.

Back to the harvest idea, here’s our current reality…you can sleep during harvest season and still reap the benefits of it. In fact, its popular to treat fall, aka harvest, as warm and cozy, settle in for s’mores, campfires, and pumpkin spice lattes. Chill out and watch football time. Very few people in our society actually work their hardest during literal harvest time.

But I know some farmers. It is truly the busiest time. Work past midnight, up at 4am. Run hard for 4-6 weeks. Get all the crops in before the first snowfall.

Metaphorically, there are many seasons of harvest. It could be

  • Your company’s biggest conference.
  • Your business’s busy season.
  • Your launch time of a new product.

The truth is, if you really apply yourself, if you really do your best, if you really give it your all, your diligent hands will bring wealth.

Be prudent. Be diligent. Reap the benefits.

Put Me In The Zoo

When my kids were younger, I read them a bedtime story from Robert Lopshire called, Put Me In The Zoo.

PutMeInTheZoo-cover

It’s about this big gangly creature who wants to live in the zoo. Unfortunately, the zoo keepers aren’t keen on him. But a couple of kids take notice of him, and he begins to do all kinds of tricks for them. He gets their applause, admiration, and approval.

Then he asks them, “Tell me. Tell me, now, you two. Will they put me in the zoo?”

As he asks that question, I can’t help but think of the millions (if not billions) of people that are asking that question every day. I’ve been one of them too. We just ask it in a different way.

We ask,

  • Will they pick me for their team?
  • Will they place me on their staff?
  • Will they give me that position / title?
  • Will they invite me to their party?
  • Will they like my post?
  • Will they follow me on Instagram?
  • Will they re-tweet my stuff?
  • Will they buy what I’m selling?
  • Will they…

You fill in the blank.

We’re all looking for the exact same applause, admiration, and approval.

It’s a kids’ book, but it is a lesson for parents too.

We’re all looking for “our place” in life.

As for the creature who wanted to live in the zoo, the kids responded to his question perfectly:

“We like all the things you do. We like your spots, we like you, too. But you should not be in the zoo. No. You should NOT be in the zoo. With all the things that you can do, the circus is the place for you.”

Are you looking to be placed in the zoo when you should be performing in the circus?

A Legacy: George Ogle

Have you ever heard of him? Me neither.

In 2022, I went to Ireland. For half a day, I walked through St. Patricks Cathedral and hung out at the grounds. One thing that struck me — just how many sculptures and art pieces were in that cathedral.

The statues were so detailed, so intricate, so lifelike. Under each statue, or beside it, would be a dedication or inscription to the person.

This one caught my attention, this statue and inscription for George Ogle. Why?

I stopped to read this one because:

  1. It seemed like it had a typo in the header (HON- BLE, probably an abbreviation for Honorable)
  2. It was so long.
  3. It felt so over-the-top in its language.

It felt like someone was asked to come up with the highest possible praise of a human being, and at the same time, use the largest words possible.

Now before I share it with you, I want you to know:

I ran it through the Hemingway app just to be certain I wasn’t off base. Without the dates at the end, it says it is 258 words, but only 5 sentences. That’s over 50 words per sentence. All are considered “very hard to read.” Grade-level for reading: post-graduate level. It’s the first thing I’ve ever put in Hemingway at that high of level.

I’ve read post-graduate books before. They aren’t for the faint of heart. Neither is this dedication to George.

Give yourself a challenge and see if you get something out of this.

Just take a look at it with me for a minute.

the statue text / inscription for George Ogle

But once you get past the difficulty of it, and you actually process what they’re saying, it sounds like George Ogle was an admirable guy.

  • “Incorruptible integrity.”
  • “Scrupulous sense of honour.”
  • “Shed a lustre on every society in which he moved.”

In fact, I hope people write things like this about me.

It doesn’t have to be so over-the-top. But something better than, “He was a good dude.” “Great guy.”

When people write something like this about you, you obviously left an impression. “Enthroned in the hearts of all.”

People commissioned a statue for him, then wrote something like this for him. Wow.

Would people do that today?

Can you leave that kind of legacy today?

Such that a guy born 170+ years later, seeing the statue over 200+ years later, might actually pay attention, look you up, and wonder what other contributions you made to humanity. Wonder what your life amounted to.

That’s what legacy is all about.

A Tidbit on Vision

“If your vision is for a year, plant wheat. If your vision is for a decade, plant trees. If your vision is for a lifetime, plant people.” – Chinese Proverb

Steve Jobs had a vision to fit a thousand songs in your pocket. And he wanted the user-experience to be intuitive, even to a child.

Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. had a vision for racial equality and lost his life in the cause.

Ray Kroc had a vision for uniformity, which led to the rise of McDonald’s restaurants all over the country and gave birth to the rise of the franchise business concept.

All of these men had vision.

All of these men had grit.

They had to overcome extreme obstacles in pursuit of their vision.

Do you have a vision that’s driving you?

What is it?

It doesn’t have to be as grandiose as the ones I listed above. It doesn’t have to be nationwide or worldwide.

But it does need to be compelling.

It does need to be meaningful.

It does need to get you out of bed each morning.

Part of this is an excerpt from my book, Life Doc: How to Succeed in Life Without Losing Your Faith, Family, and Friends.