Pregnancy – The Emotional Rollercoaster for Men and Women

As a dad of four kids, I’m qualified to write this one. Although let me be clear, I am not qualified to give birth or deliver a child.

I’m simply telling you from a husband’s perspective, with input from my wife, as to what the emotional rollercoaster of pregnancy looks like for the two of you.

Here’s how the rollercoaster of pregnancy looks 80% of the time:

• Stage 1: Conception
• Stage 2: Excitement (or Dread) After the Test
• Stage 3: The First Trimester Morning Sickness
• Stage 4: The Second Trimester Superwoman
• Stage 5: The Third Trimester Discomfort
• Stage 6: The Delivery Day Labor
• Stage 7: Baby Arrives!
• Stage 8: The First Couple Months
• A Gift for the New Dad

Stage 1: Conception

Let’s begin with a couple disclaimers, just so you know you’re in good hands:

Last thing, I’m well aware that not all pregnancies make it to a full-term, healthy birth. My wife and I have had 2 miscarriages, my parents had 2 miscarriages, many of our friends have had miscarriages, and I can only imagine how heartbreaking it would be to carry well into the 20 or 30 week ranges and deliver stillborn or so early that the baby couldn’t make it. A dear friend runs a podcast for women who have had miscarriages and if you need some love from other mothers, check it out. It’s called Yet We Thrive.

Now, for those of you who had the traditional conception experience, with a person you loved, here’s the deal:

Getting pregnant was probably an exciting adventure! Perhaps you were trying hard, practicing daily to get pregnant. Maybe you weren’t trying at all. Maybe it was a total surprise!

But for a night, or for a few days, love was in the air, and you were eager to do some math with that person. 1+1 became 3, or 4, or more.

Stage 2: Excitement (or Dread) After the Test

The challenge in Stage 1 is that you often don’t know whether you were effective or not. Sure you had sex, you had fun, you enjoyed intimacy with your partner, but did the sperm successfully make the journey? Was the egg receptive? Did anything magical happen?

You usually don’t know for a few weeks, and during that time, you’re living in a big question mark.

Some tell tale signs, before getting a positive pregnancy test are:

• Sudden food aversions
• Feeling of gaining weight, without reasons for it
• Sensitivity to smells
• Feeling sick, without having the flu

Husbands, if you can positively identify these by listening to your wife, you might want to buy her a test.

Usually, the pregnancy test is a reliable indicator of whether you’re pregnant or not. But you’ll eventually want to go to the doctor to confirm and get on a prenatal plan of care.

As for the emotional rollercoaster at this stage of pregnancy, for many couples, it is a huge wave of all the emotions!

If it’s your first, you may be high-fiving and hugging and crying tears of joy. It may be one of the most exciting days your lives. Or, some guys, you may be peeing down your leg, scared to death at how you’re now going to be a dad and have to provide, while the lady is elated and beaming. (This is the guy’s first time peeing down his leg. Ladies, your time will come later.)

If it’s your second or third, you may have felt totally ready for this and excited to start another round. Or, you may be wearing a face of shock and fear, like what just happened?! How are we going to manage another one?! Discovering you’re about to have a 2nd or 3rd child can often lead to the most mixed emotions, depending on how close the siblings are, how financially ready you are, how well the first one went or didn’t, and how many kids you were expecting to have in total.

If it’s beyond your third, you may just be laughing and shaking your head with your spouse at each positive pregnancy test. By this point, you feel like old hats at this. You might consider yourself on the Honor Roll or Dean’s List considering how many tests you’ve passed at this point.

Regardless of the response, or the number of children this is, you usually hit a point of excitement! For my wife and I, on number four, we walked around in a daze of disbelief for a few days, then hit a stage of excitement. Whether you’re excited the day of the positive test or a few days later, you and your partner know that a new life is already forming inside.

Stage 3: The First Trimester Morning Sickness

I’m amazed at what women go through in the first trimester. Women are built extra tough! I’ve told my wife many times that if I was pregnant, I’d be on bed rest from the first week to the day of delivery. Thank God I can’t get pregnant!

Men, your job is to be compassionate, helpful, and take care of as much as you can during this stage of the pregnancy. Your lady is going to feel depleted, zapped, exhausted.

Of course, it depends on each woman, because every pregnancy is different and every woman has different health experiences, but suffice it to say, I’ve never met a woman who said first trimester of pregnancy was easy.

I asked my wife, “How would you describe first trimester?”

She smiled and she said, “Oh, it’s great! Just really great. It feels like all your energy is sucked out of you. The nausea in the morning is intense, some days you throw up, then you feel queasy most of the day, every day. Then the nausea returns in the evening. You feel like you have the stomach flu for weeks.”

Hannah Redden, author of Me & Jesus Covered in Pee

Wuff! You heard it straight from a woman who has lived through it multiple times.

Stage 4: The Second Trimester Superwoman

Men, you’ll know when you hit second trimester because the lady suddenly has energy again. And she has a lot of energy!

Often times, men, you’ll breathe a sigh of relief because now the woman can contribute again. In fact, she may be running circles around you. She hits an amazing new stride. She might wake up at 5am, make everyone breakfast, clean the house, get herself ready for work, work all day, run errands in the evening, and still have energy for anything else she decides to do at night.

What is Nesting?

This is also usually where nesting happens. What is nesting? It’s the time when the woman starts prepping for the baby. She sets up the baby registry, wants a hundred house projects done, preps the baby’s room, and buys everything she didn’t put on the registry.

You, sir, are about to be inundated with baby stuff. You had no clue a little 20-inch long, 7-lb human could need this much stuff!

I asked my wife, “How would you describe second trimester?”

“You usually get a second wind and feel a little more normal. You’re hungry a lot. The frustrating thing, for most women, is your clothes stop fitting. I gained 30 lbs in the first 20 weeks.”

Hannah Redden, author of Me & Jesus Covered in Pee

She’s selling herself short on how much energy she usually had in second trimester. The main exception to this rule is if the woman has any pregnancy conditions, like gestational diabetes, preeclampsia, etc. That can really drag down her energy.

For most men and women though, second trimester is the sweet spot of pregnancy.

Stage 5: The Third Trimester Discomfort

Decide now that you’re going to step up your game as a husband and dad in third trimester. Run more errands, cover more kid activities, learn how to give good massages to your wife, and help out with more chores around the house.

Your wife will be in extreme discomfort, and you’re going to need to cover a lot of ground to help the family function at top-notch.

I asked my wife, “How would you describe third trimester?”

She said, “Don’t talk to me!”

No, that wasn’t her real answer, but that’s oftentimes how she feels. Let me go lay on my bed, wrapped around my pregnancy pillow, and not have any responsibilities.

What she actually said was, “Imagine having two cantaloupes strapped to your chest, one watermelon strapped on your belly, and that your legs, arms, hands, and feet have water injected into them. None of your clothes fit, you lose your breath quickly, and your brain feels foggy most of the time. That’s how third trimester feels.”

Hannah Redden, author of Me & Jesus Covered in Pee

She’s in the home stretch, the final leg, the fourth quarter, the ninth inning, the third period, the 90th minute, depending on what sport you prefer.

Be kind, be helpful, and be present. When she’s finally ready for the baby to come out, she might be interested in sex again. But only for the purpose of getting the baby to come out! 😉

Stage 6: The Delivery Day Labor

Delivery day can be a whirlwind, a rush, and a borderline scare.

Or, it can be a low-key, semi-laid back, calm day.

A lot of this depends on how soon you get to the hospital, how great your doctors are, how many health issues your wife has, and how healthy the pregnancy has been up to this point.

My wife scared me with a couple of ours because we arrived at the hospital so late in the game that we basically had the baby within an hour or two of checking in.

But with our most recent one, she was laboring more slowly, we lived further away so we had to plan ahead a bit, and we were there for a whole twelve hours before the little guy made his arrival.

Epidurals can change the entire birthing experience too. (These are intense pain meds injected into the back of your wife.)

C-sections (Cesarean births) can also present an entirely different birthing experience. I was born as a C-section birth, but I can’t speak to it because my wife has never had one. It is more surgical, with cuts to the abdomen to bring baby out via the abdomen, instead of vaginally. I also know the woman’s recovery can be tougher and longer because her abs were just cut in half. Ouch! Either way, ouch!

Regardless of how it all goes down, your job as a dad is simply to cheer your wife on in the way she needs it, rub her back, shoulders, or feet if she needs it, and basically let the doctors do their thing.

Stage 7: Baby Arrives!

You’ll be absolutely amazed when you see your little one arrive!

You might be grinning from ear to ear. You might be laughing with joy. You might even be so overcome with emotions that you just cry.

I’ve done all of those.

Generally, a healthy birth is met with joy and excitement and feelings of pride.

If you do good as a supportive spouse, the docs and your wife will let you hold your little son or daughter after mom gets her fill. And man, what a feeling!

Soak it up, enjoy it! Hold that baby close and kiss him or her. Tell your wife how awesome she is!

Then, enjoy the hospitality of the hospital.

You might get a halfway decent meal. You might sleep a couple hours on a rock-hard cot. Then, if mama and baby are healthy after 24-ish hours, you’ll get to leave. Drive safe and slowly on the way home, for mama’s sake and for baby’s.

Stage 8: The First Couple Months

I hope you get some time off after the baby arrives because you’re going to need it. Mama needs it for obvious reasons, like just pushing a 7-pound human out of a small orifice. She’ll need at least six weeks of recovery. (Make a mental note.)

But you’ll need some rest too because this baby is going to put you through some sleepless nights. The good ones wake up every 1.5 to 2 hours to feed. The struggling or challenging ones will wake up even more often crying, fussing, and in a generally disgruntled mood.

Hopefully, you get a good and content one. If not, just remember there’s probably something your baby needs but isn’t getting. Or, there’s something they’re struggling with, like digestion. This can be helped with a few tweaks to momma’s diet, a little gas medicine (like mylicon), or some post-natal checkups with Doc.

Remember, the baby doesn’t just have it out for you every time they cry. Don’t take it personally. They’re just trying to adjust to life outside the womb.

Your baby’s job is three-fold in the first few months: eat, sleep, and poop.

Your job in the first few months is to buy diapers, change diapers, and get your breast-feeding momma constant refills of water. You also get to nap with baby, if you take naps.

If all this happens, and you’ve kept your sanity, then consider it all a success!

Congratulations! Now, keep them alive, teach them what you know, and learn a couple good dad jokes. You have at least 18 years to impart your wisdom, but only about 12 where they’ll actually listen to you.

You got this, dad!

A Gift for the New Dad

I wrote this book for dads (like you). It’s becoming a favorite back-of-the-toilet decoration for dads across the country. Just check out the reviews on Amazon!

---

(This post is dedicated to my buddy Chad Aleo, over at High Ticket Sales Advice. His first baby is on the way and he asked for me to share some dad wisdom with him during his wife’s pregnancy.)