- We are lighting the outdoors and bringing dead trees indoors.
- We are standing in freezing temperatures at 3 A.M. to buy important stuff and listening to some of the most senseless songs ever written.
Yes, it must be that time of year again—my favorite holiday of all. Before I go any further, here is the disclaimer: If you want to enjoy Christmas for the rest of your life, do not read the rest of this post.
Ultimately, there is one reason I don’t like Christmas: the whole thing is a farce, both in its absurdity and its comedy—from a Christian perspective and from a nonreligious perspective.
First, from a Christian perspective, which revolves around Jesus’ birth: Aside from the inaccurate date of December 25, there is a multitude of things wrong with the nativity. For one, it doesn’t smell like manure or have the sounds of animals. As for Joseph, leading up to the birth, he was ready to break off the engagement. Mary must have been the gossip of the community, being labeled either a slut for her apparent unfaithfulness, or a lunatic for her claim that the father of the child was not a human (hardly a saint to be hailed). The two traveled away from their hometown when she was nine months pregnant, which led to Mary going into labor away from home. It’s possible that Joseph had to deliver the baby, and it’s highly unlikely he had proper training as a midwife. After birth, baby Jesus was placed in a watering trough with animal saliva, not a sanitary bed. Herod planned to kill baby Jesus with his “No Child Left Alive Act,” forcing Mary and Joseph to become refugees for a time. All of this to say, if “Jesus is the reason for the season,” then maybe the season should have a more somber and dismal feel.
From a nonreligious perspective, the materialism of the holiday is absurd. People (religious or nonreligious) are willing to trample others to buy gifts that are not really needed. Americans spend over $400 billion on Christmas every year. Mind-boggling. Santa doesn’t exist. If he did, and you switched the order of the letters in his name, he could be satan, which I find hilarious (Dana Carvey as Church Lady on SNL). I already mentioned the idiocy of trees and lights, not to mention hanging socks over fireplaces or wearing red hats with white fuzzy trim and a ball of cotton on top. I don’t know about you, but sitting on a fat stranger’s lap and giving him a list of the things I want, and then giving him my address, seems more frightening than exciting.
Yes, I hate this holiday, but do understand my tone. I am simply marveling and musing over one of our most cherished holidays from a realistic and nonsentimental point of view. Call me Scrooge, or the Grinch, I don’t mind.