When You Fail As A Parent

We all fail as parents at some point. Maybe it’s once a year, maybe it’s once a month, maybe it’s once a week, maybe it’s once a day, maybe it’s a few times a day. I’m writing this post to help empower and enable you. I don’t want you to fail more at parenting; I want you to fail less.

Here’s the kicker: I think your failing moments as a parent have a lot less to do with your lack of self-control in the moment and a lot more to do with your kids’ lack of self-control in their season of life.

Let me set the scene:

Identify The Problem

Your teenager has been told 3 times to go do their chores. But they’re doom scrolling on their phone or enamored with the video game, not paying you any attention.

• The first time, you said it kindly with a please attached.
• The second time, you said it with a bit more volume, firmer, but still under control.
• The third time, you said it with urgency, tenacity, and maybe with a threat attached.
• And now, you’re about to escalate to screaming if it hits a fourth time.

Here…

This moment…

Hit pause! This is what I want to talk about.

You’re working 5-6 days a week, maybe even pulling extra hours just to pay for their activities, their devices, their livelihood. You’re making dinner. You’re doing the laundry. You’re doing the dishes. And all you’re asking them to do is one simple chore. You are not in the wrong here.

Asking your kid to feed the dogs?

Put up the chickens and get the eggs?

Grab their dirty laundry from their room and bring it to the washer?

Maybe they unload the dishwasher and you reload? Maybe they also reload?

(Insert easy peasy chore here.)

Consider The Variables

First off, good on you for bringing in an income and supporting your family.

Second, good on you for actually having your kids do some chores.

Third, let’s consider the variables.

You are working your tail off and your kid is being lazy. You have set boundaries and your kid is pushing the boundaries. You aren’t resting and sitting on the couch, doing nothing. But your kid is.

And they have the gall to ignore you or back-talk you. These are the variables.

Now, let’s look at the broader landscape.

Your Years of Developing Self-Control

When us millennials were growing up, we had a few variables that were different than kids these days.

• We had TV and radio, but everything had commercials, the selection was limited, and your TV couldn’t travel with you. You might have 8 channels if you were on an antenna. You might have 100 channels if you had a Dish. But you had a limited selection of videos, a limited selection of channels, and a limited selection of stations.
• We had video games, but they weren’t connected to the internet. They were solo, individual, play-at-home only consoles. You might get to play them on the weekend, maybe some extra in the summer-time. But you couldn’t take them with you on every car ride or bus ride. You couldn’t talk to your friends while playing them, unless you had them over to hang out or have a sleepover.
• We didn’t get internet until grade school or middle school. When we did, it had built-in limits. You only had a certain number of hours you could use each month (via AOL or NetZero). Or, you had parents who wanted to make sure their phone lines were open, so they didn’t let you use more than 1 hour per evening.
• We didn’t get cellphones until we were in high school. We had to call people on the phone, justify why we were calling to our friend’s or girlfriend’s parents. When we finally did get a cellphone, we probably didn’t get one until we had our license, aka 16. These phones didn’t have internet access. Texting was a pain in the butt. The only game was “snake.” And you really didn’t take pictures either.
• We didn’t have social media until we were in college or early adulthood. I remember setting up a Facebook account during my first year of college if that tells you my age. And it was only Facebook for awhile. There wasn’t Instagram, TikTok, Threads, etc.
• Very few of us had parents who worked from home. We had to make our own snacks and make our own meals when we got home from school in the afternoons.

Do you see some differences?

We had to grow in responsibility from an early age. We had to learn how to talk to adults. We weren’t constantly connected to the internet or social media. We had built in limits and built in deterrents. We didn’t have half as many technological distractions.

Your Kids’ Lack of Self-Control

Here’s the problem, plain and simple: Your kid has no self-control because they have no boundaries or limits.

• Your kid has 24/7 internet access.
• Your kid can take TV or music with them anywhere they want, with nearly unlimited options.
• Your kid has multiple social media accounts.
• Your kid has games that are connected to the internet.
• Your kid can interact with other kids and never have to interact with their parents.
• Your kid probably has a cell phone before 16.

If we would have had all those things, from age 2 or 3 (when most parents start giving their kids a device as a pacifier), we would have had the same problems.

Our kids have a lack of self-control because they’re kids! This should not be a surprise to us!

But what should surprise you is how they have zero limitations and restrictions. There are no deterrents, no delays. Unlimited distractions, unlimited access.

So here’s what you need to do.

What Parents Need To Do

We, as parents, need to create the restrictions, the limitations, the deterrents, the delays.

We, as parents, need to take control of the devices.

Set limits. Take devices away for periods of time. Have screen-free days.

Again, I think your failing moments as a parent have a lot less to do with your lack of self-control in the moment and a lot more to do with your kids’ lack of self-control in their season of life.

If you’re working, paying the bills, making the meals, doing a decent amount of the chores, you’re doing things right. You can be frustrated if your kid isn’t listening and making a small contribution to the good of the home.

You can be frustrated that your child has no self-control. Chances are, they don’t have self-control because they haven’t had to learn restraints and restrictions. You haven’t set boundaries and limits for your kids.

• If you pay the bill for the phone, you have the right to take away the phone.
• If you bought the Kindle or iPad, you have the right to take away the device.
• If you pay for the internet, you have the right to turn it off at a certain time each night.

There’s your boost of empowerment.

You have the right (and dare I say, moral obligation) to set the limit and set a healthy boundary for your kids.

They won’t grow, develop, or mature, unless you set up an environment for them to do so.