Indulge Me For A Moment

Indulge me for a moment.

I’ve been stewing on this idea for awhile, and I’m not exactly sure how it’ll pan out. Fiction writers talk about pantsers vs. plotters. Plotters have it all mapped out, outlined, and then just write according to the outline. Pantsers write by the seat of their pants. They don’t have an outline, don’t know where the story is going, but figure it out as they go. Normally, I’m a plotter. Tonight, I’m a pantser.

What is failure?

That’s the question worth asking. I’ve always hated failure. It feels:

• like a dirty word,
• like an undesirable event,
• like a terrible experience.
• Something I try to avoid at all costs.

I won an award for failing fast one time, and it felt like a slap in the face.

In school, never wanted red marks on my papers, never wanted grades below an A, so I worked my ass off to keep straight A’s.

In sports, never wanted to be a benchwarmer, never wanted to be a backup, so I worked my ass off and became one of the top athletes in my class and went on to play college football.

In the career, never wanted to be low on the todem pole, so I worked my ass off and became one of the top performers at each company I worked for.

In writing, never wanted to be a broke artist, so I worked my ass off and wrote multiple books, two of which have sold thousands of copies. On The John sells really well this time of year (Christmas gift for dads and/or new year wanting a new devotional).

But honestly…

I’m still a broke artist. My writing doesn’t pay the main bills.

My career still isn’t where I want it to be. I don’t make as much as I should, and I haven’t built all the things I want to build.

For sports, most of my competitive games are behind me. I might pick up cycling or golf, love to lift and walk, love to play catch, but mostly I pay for my kids sports and watch them compete.

For school, I’m done with the formal part, but this is probably the only area I don’t feel like a failure. I still love learning, still practice it daily. It could be reading, online courses, building new skills, listening to podcasts, whatever the case, I’m an avid learner.

Now, in my late 30s, I look back and see how many things I’ve failed at.

Honestly, failed at a ton of things.

By outward appearances, I have my life together and I have an awesome family. People have joked that they want to be like me when they grow up. On one hand, I appreciate it. I do hope my life is admirable and worth imitating. I want to be a good example to everyone.

But the truth is, it isn’t all rainbows and butterflies. I don’t feel like I have parts of my life together. I’ve failed hard at a lot of things. I’ve bit the dirt, ate shit, and barely lived to tell about it.

So I’ll start unpacking some of that in coming weeks and coming months.

It won’t come all at once. I have to figure out what’s worth sharing and what’s going to actually be beneficial. Perhaps I need to “plot” it out, not just “pantser” it.

But I need to open up about more of these failures.

I hate being vulnerable. I don’t like to let people in.

Yet every time I’m vulnerable, I hear how much it helps people.

So cheers to future vulnerability. Whoop-de-freaking-do. How exciting. So pumped. Not.

That’s a wrap for this post. Thanks for paying attention.

Future posts may include…we’ll get there when it’s time.