Set the Tone in Your Home

The teenagers are arguing back and forth with each other, then arguing back and forth with you.

The grade school kids are alternating between fussy / whiny and over-the-top annoying.

The toddlers are being demanding and semi-destructive.

A lot of parents think, at this point, it’s the kids being crazy. And maybe they are being crazy.

But there are so many reasons behind the behavior.

Disclaimer: I’m not talking about children with real issues on the spectrum. I’m not talking about special needs either.

An Average Teenager Experience

I’ll share a couple things that have happened in our household recently, and maybe a few of you can relate…

A month ago, our teenager couldn’t put a sentence together. “Like, um, like, there’s this thing at school, um, it’s at 7, actually, it’s at 5, I think. Maybe 6. 6-7, hahaha!”

“What is ‘this thing at school?'” we asked.

“It’s um, like, a, I can’t remember exactly. I think it’s a, um, a special meeting…”

I can’t even type it out. It was painful! Exhausting! 30 words, 80% filler, to get to the 6 that actually mattered.

She also couldn’t think for herself. She couldn’t remember anything. “Oh, I forgot.” “Oh, I didn’t hear you say that.” “Oh, what did you say again?” “I was supposed to do that?”

So frustrating! Every other person in the house could verify that we had said our command clearly.

Moral of the story: we took her phone away. We pay for it. We make the rules on its usage.

We suspended all use for a full week. Cold turkey. In a matter of days, she could speak, she could think, and she could remember.

Now, she has it back, but with much stronger boundaries.

An Average Grade-School Experience

Two weeks ago, our grade-schooler was going through a funk.

He was throwing up his hands and scoffing at every mention of a chore. He was fighting his siblings. He only wanted to eat snacks, not real food. He fought bedtime. He wanted this, that, this, that, just wishing and longing for everything other than what he had.

We started paying more attention to his habits and sure enough, there was a culprit.

On days he didn’t have hockey practice, he would come home from school and immediately get on Xbox.

Weekends, he’d wake up and get on an iPad, while mom and I were downstairs and the rest of the family slept. We’d tell him to get off and go outside. He’d go play for 10 minutes, come back in, and find the spare laptop.

Moral of the story: we took the Xbox, the iPad, and the spare laptop. We pay for it, we make the rules.

Within days, he was kinder with his siblings, doing his chores better, and playing outside for hours at a time.

Now, he can use with supervision, but with much stronger boundaries.

A Universal Truth

Parents, you set the tone emotionally and relationally for your home. It’s not your kids’ responsibility to do that. It’s your responsibility.

The problem is that so few parents recognize the type of environment they’ve set up in their home.

Some parents have set up a dictatorship. One person has all the say. If you ever question them or disagree with them, you could be destroyed.

Some parents have set up an anarchy. Anything goes. No rules. No boundaries. No discipline. No structure.

Some parents have set up a senate where everything has to be voted upon to make a basic decision. Dinner is up to a vote, vacation is up to a vote, bedtime is up to a vote. It’s all a vote.

Some parents have set up a party, where there’s always snacks, always alcohol in the fridge, always music and TVs on, but never anything of substance.

Some parents have set up a coddle fest, where its such a gentle parenting, the kid never learns anything without a helicopter parent’s mediation. They can’t play on their own, can’t cry for 20 seconds and move on, can’t figure out how life works without a constant intervention.

Some are yellers, some are complainers, some are criticizers.

Your kid mirrors your behaviors. Your kid mirrors your words.

And if they aren’t mirroring you, guess what?

They’re mirroring their biggest influences. What are they watching? What are they scrolling on? What are they reading?

Or is it simply that you aren’t interacting with them enough, or in a positive way, so they just turn to devices?

You can’t control. You can’t demand. But you can influence.

Your influence, when you pay the bills, is stronger than you think. You can put your foot down. You can set new rules and new boundaries.

The best changes will happen in the context of a loving home, with honest and uncharged conversations.

Set the tone in your home. Don’t be average. Be better. Make it better!