Welcome To The Mess
When you have guests over, you prepare. You set the table. You clean the house. You might even check the driveway and porch to see how the entrance would look to a new arrival.
And as a guest, you may see a welcome mat. Something like, “Welcome” or “No Place Like Home” or “It’s a zoo in here!”
Here’s my welcome mat for you, “Welcome To The Mess!”
This morning, I was prompted to think about Jealousy.
As with most things in life, I prefer to keep a discussion about Jealousy at a theoretical level. I live the life of the mind. I love to keep things in the abstract, in the idea realm. Examine and analyze from afar.
There’s nothing wrong with being thinking-oriented. There’s nothing wrong with being an Enneagram 5.
The problem comes when you keep everything at the theoretical level, when you don’t ever delve into the soul. So today, we’re doing some soul-searching, and for some crazy reason, I’m inviting you into it. Let’s process together, shall we?
The Set-Up
When I was in high school, I struggled with some blatant sins: talking back to parents, idolatry, pornography, stuff we can cover another time. But since the Lord got ahold of me near the end of high school, I thought the worst of my sin life was done.
A harsh word here, an intrusive thought there, but nothing blatant. Nothing that other people would notice. Nothing that would “destroy” my life.
Most people, including you reading this, would probably say, “Omer is an upright and upstanding guy.”
I hope that’s what you would say. I strive to live that way.
But there was something deeper, something hidden, something sinister. A festering of sorts.
Jealousy at First Sight
During my first year of Bible college, a pastor told me, “Dylan, your struggle is with envy.”
I nodded and pretended to understand. But secretly, I thought he was off his rocker. We were in his office to talk about a mission trip our class was going on in a couple months. People had been very generous to me. I had more than enough for the trip due to people’s donations.
This was 20-ish years ago, so I don’t remember what the amounts were, but I remember it was a large sum. Maybe I had double the required amount?
I remember being excited and thinking, “This is great! Maybe I could put this extra money toward my tuition.”
That’s why the pastor and I were meeting. I was asking if I could use the additional funds toward my tuition.
He informed me there were other people who hadn’t brought in all their money yet. If they were going on the trip, my extra could cover them. Or, if theirs did eventually come in the final days leading up to the trip, then we would have a surplus that we could give to the people hosting us on the mission trip.
I don’t remember the full conversation verbatim, but I was young and dumb, so I probably said something like the other classmates should carry their own weight.
He said I couldn’t use the extra money toward my tuition; it would be going to the group mission trip. I was a little butt hurt. I thought since those donations were for me, I should get to use them as I wanted.
The pastor wasn’t mean about it; he was just so matter-of-fact, like he knew exactly what the problem was at the core of my being. And I was not so sure.
What did any of this have to do with envy? Was I a jealous person? Surely not.
What is the difference between envy and jealousy?
Envy is both a noun and a verb. The verb means: the desire to have something that belongs to someone else. Maybe its a possession, a quality, a trait, or other desirable attribute.
In other words, you want what someone else has.
Jealous is an adjective. Jealousy is the noun. It’s feeling or showing envy of someone or their achievements. Or, being fiercely and protectively vigilant over one’s rights, possessions, or relationship. You might describe someone as a jealous lover, for example.
Envy is that desire for something else. Jealousy is a protectiveness or vigilance over what you consider to be yours.
So, envy and jealousy are similar, almost like two sides of the same coin. Longing and desire for something else, while being protective over your own.
How to Know If You’re Jealous / Envious
Fast forward to this morning, the diagnostic questions came flooding in:
- Have you ever scrolled social media and marveled at how that person went on yet another vacation? Thought, “Must be nice. How do they have so much money?”
- Have you ever seen another team win a game against your kid’s team and said, “I wish our son or daughter played on that team. We’re just sick of losing all the time.” (Football, not hockey)
- Have you ever seen someone else’s success and said to yourself, “Why can’t that be me?”
- Have you ever wanted to see someone else fail? Maybe not fail but, “I’d love to see them knocked off their high horse and be taken down a few notches?”
Um, “Yes.”
Yes to every single one of them.
Obviously, that’s a problem–a problem a pastor snuffed out 20 years ago, but I had no idea what he was talking about.
The terrible root of all these questions is insecurity and comparison.
Insecurity says, “I am not enough.”
Comparison says, “They are better.”
It’s a tough game of boomerang to play. It’s self-inflicting. It’s self-destructive. It’s internal.
It’s lack of gratitude for your own life. You’d rather have someone else’s life.
But does it even matter? It’s just an internal struggle, right?
Wrong. There’s a cost to envy.
The Cost of Envy
“Envy and greed always—always—exact a terrible price. I have never met an envious or greedy person who was at peace.” – Billy Graham
Envy steals your peace.
Envy steals the present.
No one else can see it. But you feel it.
“Wrath is cruel, anger is overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?” – Proverbs 27:4
Every day, you feel it when you scroll.
You feel it when you hear someone else’s success. You feel it when you can’t do the same thing or have the same experience. You feel it when your bank account isn’t as big as their bank account, when your toys aren’t as nice as their toys.
They’re enjoying their life and you don’t enjoy your own.
You can’t stand it.
It’s soul-crushing comparison.
It’s a sick, festering, slow-working cancer.
How can you possibly experience joy when all your focus is on what you don’t have?
How can you possibly enjoy your life when you’re constantly wanting someone else’s?
It will steal the joy from every positive experience.
It will kill you from the inside out.
It will destroy the very life you’re living.
Envy is so deceptive, so sneaky, so sinister.
How Do You Handle Jealousy?
That’s what I’m trying to answer in this moment.
Writing it out and processing it has been helpful.
Inviting you into the mess has been helpful. At least for me, hopefully for you too. But if I leave us here in the middle of it, it won’t be helpful. So we need to figure out:
How do you handle jealousy?
Start with a list of gratitude. Recognize what you have.
Today, I have a computer to write on, classical music to listen to in the background, a lovely snow-globe outside while I sit in the warmth inside. I have an amazing wife, four amazing kids, and amazing friends.
I get to do amazing work every day.
I have food in the pantry. I have physical health, something I didn’t have for a few months this year. I have a comfortable chair and a desk to sit at or stand at.
I am abundantly blessed.
“Envy and greed starve on a steady diet of thanksgiving.” – Billy Graham
It’s been a beautiful autumn. It’s now November. My favorite holiday is just a couple weeks away–Thanksgiving.
A steady diet of Thanksgiving.
Today, Now, In This Moment, At The Time Of This Writing,
I am grateful and blessed.
I hope you are too!
Omer Redden 