When I wrote that Tea Time post about being in the doghouse, and the raw, tender, deeply emotional moments…
You know what I told people when they asked, “How are you and the family doing?”
“We’re doing ok.”
That was the outer circle answer.
If they were one circle closer,
“We’re going through a rough patch, but we’ll be alright.”
One circle closer,
“Kids are good. Hannah and I are trying to sort through some things.”
One circle closer,
“Hannah and I are going through a rough patch, probably our roughest one yet. Maybe say a prayer if you think about it.”
Do you realize what’s going on here?
I was telling my outermost circle, “We’re doing ok.” “We’re going through a rough patch.” “Trying to sort through some things…”
…like who has which kids when we get a divorce, and how will we handle the house or should I get an apartment in town that we call my office, and how will we split the vehicles. We’re trying to sort through THAT!
Then, we’re trying to sort through decades of stacked up emotional pain
…and times other people hurt us,
…and times we hurt other people,
…and times we hurt each other.
We’re sorting through e-v-e-r-y-thing!
It was an absolute mess. I was an absolute mess. And I was wearing a mask.
Now, the other thing that must be mentioned here is boundaries and degrees of trust. Of course, we shouldn’t air all of our dirty laundry with every person who asks “How are you?” Of course, we shouldn’t overshare the most intimate parts of ourselves and our relationships with people we don’t trust. Of course, we shouldn’t share every THING with every ONE.
But we can have boundaries and still be honest. We can cry when our hearts are breaking. We can confide with 1 or 2 extremely close friends. We need an outlet.
In that post, I shared with you that I was living in my own prison cell in the basement. My wife and I were not in any semblance of a functional relationship. But my outward answer was, “We’re doing ok.”
So I ask you…
- What’s going on behind the façade?
- What’s going on just below the surface?
- What’s going on a layer or two deeper?
When you’re talking to other people…
What sort of punch is packed in the simplest alternative to “We’re good” vs. “We’re ok.”
“It’s alright.”
“On the struggle bus.”
“Been better.”
“Just glad to be here.”
Do we actually hear people? Do we actually hear ourselves?
As humans, we need other humans.
At a soul level.
I revisited the Tea Time post from this angle, because nearly 400 people visited that post in the last couple days. That’s a lot of people. I’m guessing some are in the middle of it. I know some are.
Marriage is tough. But a healthy one is so worth it.
Maybe your first one didn’t work, but you’re trying to heal…
Or your first one didn’t work, but now you’re remarried and sorting through new muck on this second go-round…
Or if you’re 30+ years into one, but it feels like you’re just living in disillusionment now…
Or if you’ve never been married or don’t want to be, but you’re still trying to heal from a breakup or a past relational wound…
The point in all of it, is that you’re not alone. There is still time to do the internal work and heal. There is still time to have the raw discussions and see what happens.
You aren’t doomed. You aren’t stuck. You aren’t unworthy of love.
If you need help, reach out.
If you need counseling, get it.
You’re not alone. And you are worthy of love.
Omer Redden 